The Great Ruili Border Run

On a sleeper bus from Dali to Ruili! Phase One of The Great Ruili Border Run, underway! Arriving at 6 AM, we will then need to figure out the border biz, and be back on a bus by.... afternoon? If all goes well, we should be straight on track to meet back up in Lincang with the boys....!

"One Day In Ruili"

After we pulled into town, dreaming our little dreamy dreams, they let us all sleep for an extra hour 'til 7 AM on the sleeper bus, which was nice of them.... As we sat outside on the parking lot ground with our packs in the dim cloudy not-quite-morning light, we heard a small squeaky animal voice crying underneath one of the nearby parked buses.... A little kitten had somehow lost ITs mother, and was pathetically wailing over and over again in the big quiet parking lot.... i went over to try and coax IT out, but IT ran away under the buses from my clucking greetings, and i immediately gave up on IT.... i watched Tiffany from across the lot as she gave IT a try, and minutes later, she was standing in front of me holding the little crying maybe-seven-week-old calico sweetie with the big pink nose and the giant batlike ears.... we gave Shao Mao some yogurt and Tiffany swaddled her up in my middle-eastern blanket, slung her over her shoulder (where the poor little thing promptly fell asleep), and we were off on our little adventure!

Tiffany asked at the bus ticket window, and we found out there was one 10:00 AM bus to Lincang per day, which meant that if we could get our shit stamped real quick (IT was 8 AM at the time), we could make IT back and be on the road again! In a flurry of excitement, we hopped in a cab and asked the driver lady to take us to the border! Ten minutes later, after crossing over a wide impressive river, we pulled up outside of the big imposing Chinese government border building, and gave IT our best try! The tall glassesed dorky military guy who met us inside listened politely to our reasonable request, and just as politely told us to go screw! They don't do that, they never do that, people can't just go around to the other side without a proper Burmese visa, we should go fly to Thailand, la la la la.... So, since Jerkface categorically refused to help us at the Out-of-China side, we smartly slipped over to the Into-China side and asked those guys if they could stamp us through.... The one guy seemed amiable and fine with IT, but he just had to check with his superior first.... He led us out of the other building, and back to the first building, to check in with.... Jerkface! Needless to say, Jerkface was not happy to see us again.... Negged at the big border building for pedestrians, we glumly decided to walk along the border fence to find the other border crossing for motor vehicles, in hopes that they might be more reasonable/lenient with us over there; unfortunately, they were even more terse, and quickly redirected us back to the big building for the kind of outlaw action we were requesting.... Newly negged at the little crossing house and seemingly out of options, we sat on the border-crossing stoop and contemplated our possible upcoming expensive next journey to Lao, wondering if we shouldn't have just gone for the sure thing to begin with....

We decided that turning immediately around and heading out to Lao because of one initial defeat was premature, and since the border crossings were open until ten at night, we should get a room near the big crossing-house and try again after the guards had changed out their shifts.... what had we got to lose? IT seemed pretty sucky to have come all the way to the Burmese border and to have to tack on a big extra travel expenditure without exhausting all the options first.... Wandering back towards the big crossing house along the small river which demarcated the border, i was struck by the sheer silliness of the physical situation i was witnessing: the river was being used as a dividing fence between China and Burma, and a passerby like myself could easily observe day-to-day life on both the Burmese side, with ITs interesting bubble-script writing and men wearing long skirts, and the Chinese side, with ITs trinket shops and people just waiting to get off work.... IT was remarkable to me that there were no bridges across this river, where people from both sides would obviously enjoy shopping and mingling with each other given the opportunity; rather, there were imposing border crossings, enforcing the impression that mingling is not at all welcome, and to be allowed only in a highly controlled fashion which takes all the fun out of IT (not to mention all neighborly hospitality!) What a pointless endeavor, i thought to myself, trying to separate people who obviously can get along just fine for the sake of pointless borders and officious nationalism....

We climbed the stairs to the 1-2-3 Hotel to the delicate barrage of jackhammering all around us in the giant construction project on the ground floor; we got a giant 80-qwai room that could sleep four on the beds and fifty more on the floor, and spent an hour or two decompressing by giving Shao Mao a sink-bath and picking all the fleas off of her with a tweezers.... A glassful of water peppered with drowning fleas was followed shortly after by ear swab after ear swab of clumped ear mite poop, while Shao Mao whined and screamed her discontent at Tiffany's mothering caresses.... Soon the little dear was deloused and spring fresh, and curled up in Tiffany's crevices for a well-deserved kitten sleep....

After our rest, we headed out for a walk with the mission of finding some bomb-ass Burmese food at the big Ruili town marketplace, with Shao Mao nestled up in Tiffany's fanny pack.... Before we could even get down the big hotel front-staircase, however, Tiffany looked down and saw a little stream of liquid emanating from the bottom of her waist-pack, and dribbling onto her feet.... Fortunately(?), little Shao Mao was pretty dehydrated and malnourished, and what should normally have been a bag-killer cat pee actually didn't smell much because of the lack of everything which the little bugger didn't have in her body.... After a quick sopping with toilet paper, we continued onward to some yummy cart noodles soaked in thick gravy (and a hot dog sausage for Shao Mao), and a walk around the neighborhood which was only punctuated with Shao Mao jumping out of the small zipper-hole in her carrying bag, and running underneath a car.... We looked underneath and still heard her crying, yet she was nowhere to be seen! Finally, Tiffany found her up in the driver's side wheel well, which sparked some guesswork that maybe the mother cat had birthed her kittens in the underside of a bus back in the depot, which might explain how the little one would be so familiar with the underside hiding spots of motor vehicles....

One cab ride across the great river later, and we were back in Ruili town proper.... The marketplace was less than bustling, and the food area was devoid of cooks and customers alike; we vowed to return later for the storied "Burmese Barbeque", and after seeing the biggest table ever, made out of one giant section of red tree ("The most epic community house table ever!" said Tiffany) and another bowl of delicious Burmese noodles for us with a healthy chunk of boiled liver greedily devoured by Shao Mao, we headed north towards an area called "The Jade Market" on our pilfered Rough Guide map....

But before we could get very far up the road, a sort of carnival sidestreet beckoned us down, and before i knew what was happening, Tiffany had pulled us into a Japanese-style photo booth with crazy computer images to spice up your souvenir pics; we must have spent an hour or more in the photo hotbox, planning all 22 pictures on the computer with different backgrounds, foregrounds, movie posters, funny poses and expressions, with Tiffany fixing her hair and getting her face all ready while i sweat my balls off with my knees shaking and about to give out as i posed at just the right angle for the camera, begging her to take the shot already with the little remote clicker....

Finally we had our funny picture printouts, and continued around the corner to find.... bunches of trippy little kid's penny ride machines! i have been making a careful photo documentary of the weirdest kitsch i find in China, and the little kid penny rides definitely have taken the cake for some of the most oddball statuary i have ever seen.... Who knew the mother lode of weirdness would be right in downtown Ruili? i had a great time photographing the horned sheep-scientist, two different Donald Ducks, the airplane with a face, the alien hero with his face built into his helmet, the creepily-innocent little boy, the twin alcoholic cats, the insanely happy anthropomorphic cow, the hollow-eyed sheep in the shoe-car, and the albino construction-worker koala bear with ITs mini-me offspring peeping over ITs shoulder....

Happy with such artistic productivity, we continued on towards the fabled Jade Market, but were distracted again by the prospect of a Burmese restaurant off on a sidestreet.... They weren't yet ready for dinner business, but our culinary curiosity had an unexpected effect: on our journey down the sidestreet, we saw a woman watching her two 6-month old kittens play in the bushes by the road! We stopped to watch the cats playing and chat for a minute, and were soon joined by her friend (apparently the ladies were co-workers in the Chinese restaurant next to the Burmese one, and kept the cats there).... Clearly we were in the presence of cat ladies, and so we showed them the little sleepy Shao Mao in her little sack.... They loved her (of course!) and when we asked them if they'd like to have her, the ladies enthusiastically agreed! i gave her a last kiss and we handed her, whining and crying, to the delighted ladies, and walked away giving each other an emphatic high-five for saving little life number two since arriving in China! What a wonderful thing IT is that Tiffany has the instinct to help out those that don't get a second thought from most people....

With the Jade Market being either closed or nonexistent, we decided IT was time to get down to some real food-eatin'.... Our Burmese cart-dinners were super tasty, filled with spice and flavor, with noodles and eggplant and coriander and tofu and gravy and sprouts and fried egg and mint and rice and pickled cabbage and lime and ground meat and greens and vegetable relish and unidentifiable sauces.... so yummy! As the sun began to set on our empty to-go bags and empty bowl sloppy with the remnants of the meal, we knew the time was upon us, to find out if the universe would grant us our visa wishes at the big border building.... As we walked past the circle of dark trees dripping with moving colored lights, we knew that Ruili had been wonderful and kind to us today, and perhaps our good deed towards one of ITs miserable furry citizens was our way of saying thanks! After heading back for a quick peek at the "Burmese Barbeque" in the main marketplace, which turned out to be just a big Chinese food area, we were ready for destiny.... Everything felt right as we got in the cab back across the river, and i realized that no matter what happened next, even if we would be pulling out towards Lao instead of Lincang tomorrow, we had been here to help out a little friend and have a wonderful day, and everything was just as IT needed to be....

The anticipation was thick as we arrived once again at the imposing government building; after but one moment of hesitation, taking a breath before the plunge, we moved forward with determination, scoping out the military staff from outside to see if we were dealing with any of the same people.... Fortunately, we had a whole new night staff to work with, and the crunch-time atmosphere filled the room as we walked in and talked to the first guard we saw at the "Foreigners" line....

He listened to our request, and we had several moments of uncertainty as he looked squintily at our passports.... And then, taking them in his hand, he asked us to have a seat in the back! This was MUCH more promising than the morning's brush-offs....

From far away, we saw him hand our passports to the stern and chiseled official sitting behind the desk, signing people into Burma.... From the nearby public computers, some stirring Disney-type music was playing, and lent a happy and hopeful atmosphere to the moment.... i looked up, and saw a single dragonfly perched on the white wall above the computers; and everyone knows that dragonflies are good luck! Right? The feeling of positive proceedings grew even brighter within us....

And finally, our dreams were fulfilled as the chiseled dude from the desk came back and gave us departure/arrival cards to fill out, and told us that everything would be cool (in Chinese of course, and the fact that Tiffany understood and could speak with these guys is probably 90% of why IT worked out).... We thanked him profusely, and within a few minutes, we were in Burma! We had a beautiful walk around the back of the border building, and bade Burma farewell as we went back iside to get stamped back in to China! We left the border behind with a sense of gratitude and victory, and exchanged another emphatic high-five outside on the steps! After texting Ritodhi our happy news, he soon replied back, "Epic. You guys are my heroes."

A Chinese bike-cab lady took us on our victory ride to a local Burmese restaurant (apparently under protest, saying, "Why would you want to eat that disgusting stuff? Chinese food is much more delicious!"), but on the way we saw a large street lined with local vendors and filled with people and music, and knew that to be our true destination.... Among the market junk along the sides, i stopped to look at an electric hair clippers for a moment, and would have blithely walked onward if Tiffany hadn't noticed the item directly next to IT - a hand-powered pair of scissor-like hair clippers! No batteries, no juice! Neither of us had seen anything like them before, and so my days of haircuts and fantasies of straight-razors may have temporarily come to an end! Their box proudly stated, "Hagh-Class Hair Clippers"....

As we walked on down the market street, i realized that i hadn't actually articulated to Tiffany the extent of my appreciation of how she naturally winds up helping folks out in the world.... i had taken note of how meticulously she had mothered the motherless little kitten, and also noted how that help would not have happened if i was by myself here in Ruili.... i took the time to express these things to her, including how thankful and appreciative i felt that she was so willing to help those around her in need.... She thanked me, and asked, "What lesson have you learned from today?" i thought about this for a moment, and replied, "i learned that there is no good deed that is too small. Every little thing is good to do, no matter how little." i also realized that rather than beat myself up over what i can't do that Tiffany does easily and naturally, i should rather focus on the ways that i naturally act to help others that come easily for me, and make them happen more often....

As i mused on these things, we watched a smiling cart-dude assemble a bunch of betel nut chews, first taking some green leaves, brushing them with a white paste, adding the brown betel nut chunks, a slice of lime and a sprinkling of tobacco, before rolling and wrapping them up in a little chew-roll form.... Apparently you chew them until your teeth turn black, your spit turns red, and you freak out like a raver acid casualty.... i declined the opportunity to trip out on the betel nut that evening....

Back up the street again, Tiffany's last pants-shopping burst of the night resulted in my purchase of one of the greatest t-shirts i've ever seen, a girl's shirt with the front going something like this: "THE BEATLES mum sue who had already breastfed four children including twins before COKE", followed by an amazingly poorly copied British article on natural breastfeeding for local mothers in Bradford, UK.... Misspellings galore and no relation WHATSOEVER to the stuff about the Beatles and coke at the top.... And on the back, the unbelievably random "FOR YOU - Splendid smile" with a smiley underneath.... This shirt must be given to the right person, and IT is up to me to connect the two together.... Who in the world will IT be?

And at last, home again to the 1-2-3 Hotel, with some non-teleprompted english-language CCTV9, where the lady newscaster kept pausing in her speech on-camera to look down at her paper.... As Tiffany fell sweetly asleep to the hesitant strains of the Chinese english newscast, a giant bathroom cockroach kept me company while i laboriously figured out the inner workings of my new hair clippers, and gave myself a long slow headshave....

EPILOGUE: As we checked out of the hotel in the morning, right on schedule to catch the ten o'clock Lincang bus, the hotel girls straight jacked us for an extra twenty qwai of our deposit, saying one of our towels was dirty and we had to pay for ITs soiling - which was bullshit - but we had no time to yell at them and get the dough back, so we had to suck IT up and head out to catch the cab to the Ruili bus station.... i guess Sin City, Yunnan takes a little tax in the end.... ;-)