The Road To Hana

- The drop-off lookout point where Willow and i parted ways was populated with a pride of wild kitties.... always a good omen! Small nearby beach on Nua'ailua Bay where i chose to hang for the night had a small kitty run away into the jungle as i approached the entrance.... shall sleep with the gentle pounding of the waves on the black sand in a beautiful little cove - if i don't get kicked out or fined or both for the "no-camping" ordinance....

- Next morning, awoke to sudden torrential wind and rain; IT was all i could do to wrestle the tarp into some kind of lean-to shape against the side of the hammock, for IT repeatedly attempted to blow away like a sail in the driving rain.... got everyimportantthing into the dry bag pronto, and then began packing up quick with some thought of getting back to the road under the trees.... Of course, as soon as i came out of the soaked mosquito net, IT stopped raining and cleared up!.... Back walking on the road, got picked up after an hour or two by Soryo, a child-welfare worker on her way to check up on families in Hana.... she is a Sundancer, about to do a fast for 4 days outdoors this weekend, before heading to Montana for the Sundance where she and the other participants will fast without food or water for 4 days, while dancing around a newly-planted tree in a special arbor area and praying all during that time....

- Now in beautiful Waianapanapa State Park in Hana area, drying out all my gear in the sun.... Soon to swim in the ancient caves here and then further on up the road to visit my wonderful ridesharer's recommendation of the Red Sands Beach, one of her most-beautiful-spots in the world....

- Dear Diary: am hanging in a decently uncomfortable setup, with my pack, guitar, dry bag and self all snnnnuggled up together, wrapped in a nori-roll of the tarp, with the whole shebang inside the mosquito net between two trees on Red Sands Beach in Hana; i wait for the inevitable torrential rains and am in this position because i'd rather be uncomfortable and somewhat wet than dry and being crawled on by rats and giant Hawai'ian cocroaches while i sleep on the ground under a perfect dry overhang.... uh jeez, now i'm remembering why i have issues living outdoors....

- Didn't find the ancient caves to swim in, but did have a good time checking out the waves crashing against the rocky cliffs from a point jutting all the way out into the ocean.... As i was on the way out, i saw a mongoose in the road that had just been hit by a car.... i tried to keep walking, but i couldn't do IT, and turned back to help ITs earthly form find some peace by the side of the road.... i had to let cars go by during the moving process 'cause there was so much traffic, and several of them ran IT over again, a couple of them on purpose, IT seemed to me.... i finally got the little brother interred under some big red leaves, put a beautiful nearby fruit down for a headstone, and said my peace.... Upon leaving Waianapanapa, walking the road into Hana Town, i saw another mongoose dead on the road, almost completely flattened and gnarly.... i just couldn't do IT again....

- i then found the Hana Fresh organic food stand just as IT began to spritz, dribble, mist, and pour - all intermittently; i got a tropical smoothie and a meal of mahi, bok choy, and wild rice from U'i, a good energy local girl who called the rain a "downfall" and hooked me up for my not-yet-birthday with some lemon-cranberry muffins she was going to toss.... Read the Taro book under their awnings and picnic tables while the rain did ITs thing

- Almost at the right spot for the Red Sands, i nodded hi to a bright-eyed golden-colored guy on the roadside, who introduced himself to me as Blake and seemed pretty cool.... i told him where i was heading and he said he knew the spot and he'd walk there with me.... Blake was full of the light and love of the Christian Gospel, and was genuinely on his path (a lifestyle which i always appreciate no matter what the sect or creed), and IT was really good to meet and talk spirituality with him.... When we got down to the Red Sands (a slightly-difficult trail walk for a truly beautiful hidden-bay cove experience), we were met by blond-dredlocked Johnny, who made for very difficult conversation as he did not appreciate Blake's love of the Gospel for several understandable (if assumptive) reasons and insistently put forward his own ideas, as we somehow quickly entered into a discussion of spirituality, beliefs, and worldviews.... Johnny was very not into placing his "Life In The Moment" love-based philosophy in any particular religious or spiritual context, and IT was very odd to hear my own paradoxical philosophies being discussed from two different people, as i found myself equally agreeing with both....

- Johnny tired of the difficult conversation and left, only to be soon replaced with Dave, a friend of Blake's who had randomly decided to come down to the Red Sands.... Dave was a very present and loving guy who knew a lot of bible, and we had a good time having a much more even-keeled talk on spirituality.... He left me with some important food for thought on Fear, and how our material stuff is a representation of the intense anxiety and fear that surround the idea that we each need to provide things for ourselves, instead of allowing the universe to provide them.... Very poigniant for me right now, shlugging 35 lbs. of "just-in-case" crap around on my back whenever i currently walk anywhere....

- And now i lie here uncomfortably prisonered with this selfsame gear in the hammock, writing and feeling the cold winds pick up, and waiting for the giant rain to fall.... Will i sleep? Will i soak? Will all my prep be for naught? Should i just go sleep with the crawly cockroaches? uggg

- And IT never did rain! Despite the darkest clouds out on the dark horizon.... a beautiful sunrise, waking to Blake swimming and having brought me a fresh coconut for breakfast! Followed shortly by Matt Schmidt, my longhaired good-dude to-be hitchhiking companion, showing up and hanging out with us.... Originally from Duluth & Minneapolis, MN, he'd been living in Seattle for the last four years, plays drums, can't find like-minded musicians - familiar story! We hit IT off well.... He mentioned that he was camping down in Kipahulu, which is where i had been planning to head, and that we should hitch there together if i liked.... And so evolved my day! Along the way, despite walking in the hot sun uphill with the pack on, the 'aina provided a lilikoi and two yummy guavas for lifting our spirits a bit!

We wound up walking most of the way, with a short ride from an old dude and a last-leg helpout from Chad & Courtney, two fun yuppie kids from Lafayette, LA on vacation in a rental car.... We threw our stuff in Matt's tent and went out to travel the sacred trail up Oheo, the Seven Sacred Pools, through the mighty and spirit-inhabited bamboo forest, to the majestic mother of all waterfalls on the island, Waimoku Falls.... Hundreds of feet in the air, this was truly one of the powerful experiences of my life so far, and opened my eyes to the true reality of the "State park nature trail" we had been walking; this trail was a sacred spiritual ritual path for the ancestral Hawai'ians and folks would walk IT in prayer to come to visit with this power.... and that is what i did, minus the intentional-prayer part, because i did not understand the nature of this area until i beheld the sheer force of Waimoku.... Now i understand, and i let IT be a lesson to me to walk with respect and the giving of thanks in my heart all the sacred places of the world.... which is everywhere, really! Just some spots more so than others.... waaayyy more so....!

- Going to bed, i was given a choice about how my birthday the next day might go: Matt was going to hitch to the complete other side of the island, to meet up with his girlfriend Angel and attend a free luau thrown by a bunch of cool locals, some of whom were Grammy-winning "slack-key" guitarists and other musicians.... free food, good local energy, lots of music and music-playing people, free place to stay with the locals, and a free show of the slack-key guitar workshop which Angel was attending the following day.... and i was welcome to come hitch along and have a super-social local cultural Maui experience! Which did sound pretty enticing, i must say.... Almost more so than my planned alone-time grounding-down experience.... was the universe trying to get me to move past myself and go enjoy the world? Very possibly....

Throwing cards about how i might best choose for my birthday to go, i threw: The Hanged Man inverted, the Eight of Swords, and the Nine of Swords.... this was about paying attention to the omens and acting in accordance with them, i feel; the inversion of The Hanged Man is an encouragement towards movement - "Don't just hang there, do something!" - and the Card of Empowerment combined with the Card of Execution is definitely action-oriented, as opposed to my vague plan of "grounding down within my self" for my birthday time.... So to the winds i'll throw, and what the cards may say, who may know....

- Aaaand the signs (re-treading the road we came in on, three cute girls who stopped but only had one seat in their car, gnarly energy from Matt surrounding his glitchy phone, info from his girl during aborted phone call that the supposedly-free luau event was now $15 a head) seemed to suddenly turn in favor of my staying comfortably (perhaps semi-comfortably, due to the rain) in Kipahulu.... so back here hangin' am i!

Happy Birthday to me! i'm a hundred and three! And the lady next door is a hundred and four!

IT is a blessing to be back here, slow and comfortable and not on a particular time frame.... i am glad that i surrendered to the possibilities of the omens, and willingly got up and packed up and was marching back the way we came in openness to what the universe has in store for me.... i feel that IT was that openness to the omens that allowed the real course of my birthday-day to shine through.... IT is a good birthday lesson for me, and i shall build upon IT during these travels.... take IT out and love upon IT

June 25th, 2011 - 9:06 AM - Happy Birthday, Me! Thanks and deepest gratitude for the multitudes of family, friends, lovers, teachers, and goodly guides who have helped me come this far along the way.... hanging between trees by the Pacific Ocean in Kipahulu, Maui, Hawai'i!

i am the i that is not i, and this i is not the i that is i

put that in your bowl and shmoke IT

IT has been progressively expanding my awareness by teeny tiny baby steps ever since i became aware of IT

thank goodness

That was almost thirteen years ago....

Holy cow!

Quite a ride....

Or to paraphrase.... "What a long, strange trip IT's been...."

On a co-created experience: "Having understood this, we can be prompted to think in another way. We can try to think with the flood, i.e. no longer to think alone, but rather together with the anonymous 'choir' of thinkers above, below, yesterday, and tomorrow. 'I think' gives way to '[IT] thinks'. This 'thinking together' is active and passive at the same time. [IT] is active in so far as you are thinking, and [IT] is passive in so far as 'something' thinks with you." - Anonymous, "Meditations On The Tarot"

- i must let go of intimate relationship....
The desire for the love and security and coddling and closeness runs counter to the necessary growth that i need to expand into; i have learned a lot over the past eighteen years about intimate relationship, and how to do IT well.... but IT takes two to tango, and if you don't select wisely who you hang out with, you re-fight uphill battles that you already won before - and all that goes out the window if you hang out with someone fighting them for their first time....

The closeness and love that i truly desire is in intimate union with the universe, and the actions i take need to be focused in that omnidirection.... my habits have run me amok for far too long and i am morbidly out of focus, as is evidenced by my slew of dysfunctional intimate relationships.... i must disengage from the war with myself, and head out for the unknown trails of the true way....

For practical purposes, this means accepting the state of being socially alone, with no lover-mother figure to cradle me and sex me and give me the impression that everything is okay now that we're together.... Perhaps this is a major aspect of my "growing up" that i simply have not yet chosen to do, and now i am recognizing that the time is upon me.... Many things are unravelling for me now, surrounding very important habits - sugar, personal love, lack of body attention, music.... and the obsession with finding a life-partner is one that will never go away on ITs own; IT requires special attention and must be manually manipulated for forward movement to enter the system, for IT is too deeply ingrained in my psyche for IT to move ITself away.... Stretching is a similar scenario for me, requiring the force of manual movement....

Settling into acceptance of ongoing - happy! - solitude is something that i have only the foggiest conception of at the moment; i believe more specific meditation on this topic is highly warranted....

- Met a wonderful bald seer guy named Dave here at the rocky Kipahulu shore; he has things come to him and tells them to people and things happen, they really do happen he says.... He's just starting to fully experience this and he's not questioning IT anymore.... He felt my energy and cried, and said that i'm on a wonderful journey, a truly wonderful journey, and that IT would go great and i would study under someone very powerful in India; he also said that i would run into a spot that would be very.... bothersome, and that i would meditate for three days, and after that meditation i could continue onward.... He told me to remember that specifically, and i will.... Namasté

- Just saw a guy-guy with a tribal skull tattooed on his pec catch a fish from the ocean.... i watched him cast his line and knew (somehow) that he was going to catch something when he reeled in.... the little brother-sister was deep red with orange striping, and suffocating to death in the air with the hook in ITs mouth, flapping on the line.... i said my peace to myself and IT, and politely took my leave.... i feel that a major re-dedication to my vegetarian diet needs to be effected immediately....

i played some guitar and sang as the sun set, and ended the evening hanging in the hammock and listening to my "Trip Tape New Year's '07", my mishmash of poetry, music, movie clips, and philosophy that makes up my 90-minute personal audio legacy.... my guilty birthday pleasure of enjoying my own artwork! i'd love to share IT with everyone someday, despite the poor sound quality, IT really encompasses a lot of what i want to share with the world.... Studying my Taro book rounded out the evening, and i went to sleep smiling and happy from a birthday truly relaxing and tranquil.... feeling a lot of love in the atmosphere and very grateful for the sacred shores around me at Kipahulu....

- The next day, Seer Dave (David Meredith) kindly agreed to drive me back to his home in Pukulani, right down the road from Willow and Makawao! So we wound up hanging out the rest of the day.... Dave has been going through a difficult breakup, and came down to Hana to heal; we spoke for a long time throughout the day about relationship with other and relationship with self, and how important IT is to recognize which moments in life are best-suited to attention to each of these aspects....

A wonderful roadside fruit and coffee stand brought a tasty smoothie from the lovely big smile of Nastacia, and good discussion with Sukaynah, a spunky blonde 1975-baby awesome girl, where we all three spoke about maneuvering relationship, swimming with the dolphins, reading signs, Downloads of Human Design, and general appreciation of life.... followed by meeting Jake, a big-eyed Jewish guy with a warm smile; we spoke about how travel destroys one's romanticized notions about places where we've never been, and how everybody around the world is basically doing the same thing - scratching to get by, working out their day-to-day issues with one another, and this is also visible in spirituality, where all religions are essentially indicating and promoting the same thing - this fact, we agreed, will be the major connective point in the awakening consciousness that humanity is experiencing currently.... Jake said that he's traveling in the opposite direction from me and that we might bump into each other in Israel next year! Which would indeed be cool....

- Dave took me down the road to the trail for May's Landing, where we met Laura and Scott, caretakers of the property for Sue Wong.... we had a good chat about local land conservation, and i was happy to hear that Oprah and Sue Wong and other landowning movers and shakers on the island are personally interested in respecting and maintaining the land; a far cry from their counterparts back on the US mainland!

May's Landing is the closest thing to a direct archaeological site that i've seen on the island; this spit of rock with some clearly modern elements of concrete and metal served as the ancient port of the city of Hana, which was home to some 100,000 Hawai'ian people in the pre-white days.... the steps down to the mooring dock, and the dock ITself were fortified with concrete and stones at some point within the past hundred years, but were clearly far older than these fortifications, as the natural rock walls of the landing were ideally shaped for docking ships.... The ocean currents are simply too strong around the former city of Hana to successfully dock naval vessels, and only further down the coast in Kipahulu do the currents slacken to the point where they allow docking - right there at May's Landing! This port was the main business dock from ancient times up through the white people's days of cattle trade and general business; now abandoned to the whims of tide and weather, even as Hana ITself has shrunk to the small poor town we see today, the landing area lies dormant and undisturbed.... The landing area also contains several natural pools which Dave said were used by the Hawai'ian women for giving birth to their children.... an honor to sit next to, being splashed by the spray of the waves and honoring the antiquity of this place....

- Back to Red Sands in Hana for a stop-in visit, we guided So-Cal Christian mom Donna and her family over the somewhat-obscure trail to the beach, where i sang "Redemption Song" as a blessing for the sacred spot, and met a lovely awesome-energy red-haired experimental theater chick named Ruth from Preston, MN, now living on Maui for the past year.... she was sitting and writing with some pretty intense concentration, and IT seemed to me like she could use a song, so i played her "Scooter's Lullabye" and we had a good talk about the Love Equilibrium, self-care, and successful relationship....

- Dave drove us back to Willow's, where i dropped off my pack, and then took us to his place in Pukalani, where he made us a yummy dinner and i met his roommates Ryan (fun smart intense blonde dreddy big-beard well-read pop-culture fan - we got along well!) and Nick (good-natured blonde guy who loves to travel and isn't right now - he can't think of anything better to work and save $ for than to go traveling), and their skydiving buddy Eric, who's moving back to NC to stuff parachutes for his old skydiving company.... we all hung out and had good times 'til Ryan passed out snoring like a beast....

Woke up waaayyy too early in the morning, and have written a bunch of this entry....! i shall return to Willow's today, a little sore in the shoulders and legs, and a lot inspired with a new understanding of the Maui 'aina.... Mahalo! <3

Summer Solstice 2011!

What a great Summer Solstice at Dave's house! Kind drunk hawai'ian shirted dude who plays some harp and loves some music.... Yummy potluck on his porch, fun music played on acoustics, little ten-year-old Jed killin' IT on the hip-hop freestyle, tequila, loud music and dancing in the living room, fire under the bright bright milky-way stars with the Wookie Nookie Cookie Song!

Met Adam Russel, former Kan'Nal Tour Manager and cool dude singer/songwriter who's gonna move to Austin (played lead with his stuff all night), Koudra with the white top hat, Casey, Morgan, Jason with the Bear Magic, Dimitri with the new Art & Lutherie guitar, Jolie, Crystalline with the long hair, good dancin' and son she loves, Plush the dj older cool guy who loved our acoustic choral awesome "i Shall Be Released", Breezy with the not-Maui-hippie-name around the fire, Dave throwing a giant tutti-fruitti nug at Adam's eye, Dave and Koudra falling over several times trying to dance together and finally breaking a glass (and Dave on the floor with the line of the night, "You're a really aggressive dancer!").... and the night ends with Adam's song, "Just The Tip.... (ahhh).... so you can feel IT" (-D.... A Happy Solstice indeed! Happy summer everyone! ;-)

A Labor Of Love

i am very happy to be putting so many hours and so much good work into this goal i have set for myself - that of abridging the book "Meditations On The Tarot - A Journey Into Christian Hermeticism", by an anonymous author....

The gentleman was so erudite, and had so much to share on so many religious, spiritual, and philosophical topics, that the scope of his work is frankly quite daunting for anyone who wants to understand some practical knowledge about interpretation of the Taro cards from his work.... i started the book initially for this reason, myself, and found that the only way i could really grasp ITs practical import was to prioritize and write down the most salient points on each card as i read, and review my notes after each chapter (or "letter", as the author calls them).... i just kept reading and summarizing, and realized at some point that i was basically abridging his work....

IT has become a labor of love for me, and i truly appreciate the Good Gentleman who took a lifetime to study so many topics, and share them surrounding such a useful area as the Taro; i sincerely hope that my efforts shall, in some small part, encourage others to take an interest in his accomplishment and share further into his insights than they might otherwise....

A Gratitude for Maui

This time here in Maui is serving several very specific functions, and i am very grateful for IT....

One segment is massive decompression from months (and years) on end of wage-slavery work, semi-functional relationships, and consistent social experience that comes from living in (awesome & super-fun, Viva Folsom!) Community house lifestyle.... Tough lessons from difficult group music experiences, feeling lost at sea and trapped within the confines of my own experience, self-cloistering in the basement to study and retain some semblance of productivity and direction, with so much fun and love and the bonds of true family all jumbled around together within and surrounding IT all.... DECOMPRESSION NECESSITATED

Another segment is the shedding of layer after layer of non-functional personality/self/ego detritus.... My overwhelming need to be useful, to be of service to the world, to make something REALLY BIG happen that will be REALLY HELPFUL.... all the trappings of ego, ambition, competition with my father, self-aggrandizement, self-deprication, dualistic obsession with self-worth.... Obviously this is a long-term and ongoing process, yet the space afforded here with Willow on this island provides the perfect arena for quiet observation of the uselessness and non-functionality of all these aspects of "my self".... and to observe marks the beginnings of action, the baby steps of release....

The third major segment of my experience here is preparatory; soon a journey will occur for which there is no precedent in my experience, and IT behooves me to be on top of my game for the impending motion.... There's no telling what lies in store, and the only thing's for sure is that The Stranger will come a-knocking.... So best to have the ducks in their rows, the feet on the ground, the breath at the ready, and all the lines cast off for the most open, expansive, frightening, and galvanizing travel which ever i've experienced....

Soon will come my birthday, my 36th year, on which i plan to be hiking alone into the jungled interior of South-East Maui, to confront, love, and push through "my self" in the hope that i will bring a transparency and a greater awareness to this year than all the years preceeding....

Thank you Maui, and thank you dear Willow, for holding space for me while i pass through this important juncture....

Today i will shave my head

Tentativity Hawai'i

i don't know if IT's just me being a freak, or way off base, or whatever, but when asked today about how i feel about being here on Maui, how my relationship to the place feels, my immediate response was, "The energy here is very old and very powerful, and i feel like a stranger.... i want to behave more respectfully to IT and i don't know how." i don't wish to press the point because i'm a guest here, and wish to appreciate this experience in as much depth as possible, but i cannot shake the feeling that this land is immense, and huge, and angry.... like a great rocky mossy beast whose slumber is being disturbed.... and all the cars and driving ($50 to fill up the tank!) and consumer junk and crap overlaid over this creature's back is slowly eating away into ITs rocky hide.... slowly, more and more.... slowly.... and the deeper IT digs, the hotter fuels the burn inside the beast.... this beautiful island gargantua....

i just don't know.... i can't shake the feeling that everything corporate and human that's here is just so wrong.... and IT does not go unnoticed....

Transitions in Identity

.... i seem to remember being someone, being an identity, that was not particularly musically oriented, that was extremely desirous of connection and fellowship and love and relationship, so starved in these categories that this "me" person would focus only on having these things present, obsess or depress over the lack of them; never truly satisfied with what was happening and always, always wanting more....

The musical identity has fostered a foundation for regularly experiencing a lot of connection and love and has created room for contentment and experience of unity; and yet also has ITs own sets of limitations and definitions which i have yet to fully understand, in order to separate in transformation into something freer, an identity of.... non-identity? Further meditation warranted....

Maui, Hawai'i!

i got out of the airport in Maui and looked around and was immediately confused; IT was like i left the foothills of Boulder CO on a plane and flew hours and hours and walked out.... back into Boulder! i found myself on the foothills of the Maui mountains, with only the wind-whipped palm trees and the Pacific Ocean to inform me that i'd actually gone anywhere! The eternally-beautiful Willow met me and took me to find good food, good beach, good music, and good folks.... and that was just the first day! This is a very wonderful and relaxing place and i am very grateful to be here, looking forward to timeless R&R....

i do have to wonder, though.... i've met a lot of beautiful, conscious folks just on the first day.... yet no native local folks, who seem to have a pretty fully-segregated community.... i sense very old and deep issues under the shanti surface of things....

In-Flight Cuteness

"Just because you have headphones on doesn't mean you get to yell."

"i'm sorry, IT's just hard for me to hear!"

- Conversation between woman and her small child, flight to Portland, OR - 6/7/11